雅思作文批改|5分：建议系统地学习语法课

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　　作文题目：剑6 test1

　　作文内容：

　　It is shown in the chart[b1]s that[b2]global water use by sector and different water consumption situations in two countries.

　　The[b3] volume of water in agriculture section was the most during this century. There was 500km3 water for agriculture purpose in 1900 before the consumption increased steadily to 1000km3 in 1950. Water usage for agriculture experienced a dramatic upwards to nearly 3000km3 in such a short period of time from 1950 to2000[b4].

　　The same periodwitness rise[b5]in other two sectors.Industrial and domestic use were almost 0km3 in 1900,rising to 100km3 in 1900 while the volume of water using reached 1000km3 and 500km3 respectively .[b6]The use of manufactory was always higher than that of domestic use.

　　Though the agriculture was the major water consumption item, situations between different countries were different. Brazil, with 176 million peoplewhich[b7]had 2650km3 irrigated land, compared with Congo with 500 million people which occupied 100km3 irrigated land only. The gap between individual water consumption was huge too: 359m3 in Brazilcontrasting to[b8]8m3 in Congo.

　　In conclusion, global water use grew considerably after 1950, especially in agriculture purpose which varied hugely betweencountries[b9].

　　[b1]这里用The table shows/ demonstrates/illustrates比较地道

　　[b2]后面跟的都是名词短语，所以不用that

　　[b3]在这一段的第一句中可以描述一下第一个图表的整体趋势，其整体趋势都是上升的。

　　[b4]标黄的这一句话觉得有些繁琐：Water consumption in agriculture increased steadily to 1000km3 in the first half of this century, and then experienced a dramatic upwards to nearly 3000km3 from 1950 to 2000.

　　[b5]这里应该用过去式，witnessed a rise

　　[b6]这一句话表达的意思有些不清楚，看不懂

　　[b7]which 去掉，因为整句话缺少主语

　　[b8]改为while

　　[b9]这里只是指的两个国家，改为Brazil and Congo.

　　各项细评：

　　针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：

　　综合这三篇作文，学生在词汇、语法、句式这些表达方面存在着很大的问题，建议平时备考时系统学习一下语法，积累一些图表方面写作所需要的高级词汇以及句式。平时也要多做一些英文阅读，增强自己的语感。

　　附批改原图：

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