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雅思作文批改|6分:整体不错,结构再调整下更好

课窝文章发表时间2018-06-05 课窝文章标签雅思考试,雅思作文批改,雅思真题下载 课窝文章喜欢人数

  雅思考试是为那些打算在以英语作为交流语言的国家或地区学习或工作的人们设置的英语语言水平考试,雅思考试内容是由听力、阅读、写作和口语共四部分。后面小编会陆续更新关于雅思作文批改的文章,在备考雅思时帮助大家不断修改中进步。

  作文题目:

  It's a government's  responsibility to provide financial support to old people after they retire  orindividuals [A1]should save money for themselves. Discuss both views  and give your opinion.

  作文内容:

  The increasing population of seniors poses  a threat to many aspects of life. Some insist that it is responsible for  government to offer financial aid to old people. But others hold the opinion  thatthey [A2]must save money for themselves.

  The ultimate purpose of government is to  servehis [A3]citizens. Thus it's necessary for it to take care of  elders. Since after being aged, they don't have enough energy to make living  for themselves. Without financial resources, government is theonly [A4]one which old people can turn to and rely on to lead a  cozy life. More than that, most people who get moneyfor [A5]government wereworkers and labor force[A6] previously. More or less they once made contributions  to this society.Then  [A7]it is government's obligation to repay such group of  people.

  Some people claim that individuals should  save money for themselves. Otherwise, it will increase financial burden both  on the government and tax payers. And such consequence is kind of unfair for  those middle-aged workers who have to support their own family as well as pay  a large amount of salaries to unknown old people.

  As far as I am concerned, people should be  encouraged to save money for their retirement life. Since we are the owners  of our lives and we are decisive factors of our happiness. The pension you  can get from the government is really limited and not sufficient enough to  live carefreely. So it's not advisable for people to rely on the government  totally. But government is still supposed to help those seniors who are in  need in order to raise living standard and avoid some social tragedies from  happening such as riots.[A8]

  [A1]这个逻辑是说个体在年轻时就应该为自己退休后的日子存钱,而不是你下文的老年人存钱

  [A2]如果这个they指old people,那就变成了老年人必须给自己存钱,就如我批注1里说的那样矛盾了

  [A3]its

  [A4]写作文要避免绝对词,再说逻辑上自己不行了还有孩子赡养,政府不该是唯一的

  [A5]from

  [A6]其他行业的也做出贡献了,这样说比较偏颇, 你可以用个especially

  [A7]thus

  [A8]这一段还是在论证,不是在总结

  各项细评:

  针对问题最大的一点指出问题:

  就本篇而言,写作结构需要再调整,结尾段还在阐述论证,而不像总结,建议研究下真题后的考官范文的写作结构。此外,第二段论证逻辑也有点问题,具体见1、2批注。

  本篇作文整体上来说没有大的问题,结构上和逻辑上再斟酌一下会更好。

  附批改原图:

微信图片_20180605182041.jpg

  以上就是小编为大家带来的一篇雅思写作批改文章。想了解更多2018年雅思考试内容、雅思考试注意事项等问题,欢迎咨询我们。

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