雅思作文批改|6.5分:结尾段的语句不够精炼

2018-06-09 15:38 1799922次浏览
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  相较于听力和阅读,考生们总是对口语和写作这种“输出类”的考核更为头疼和担心。所以,要在雅思写作上高人一分,除了要勤练笔头之外,还需要清楚自己的问题弱点,知己知彼才能百战百胜嘛。

  作文题目:

  Some people think that  dangerous sports should be banned,but others think the people should have  freedom to choose sports activities.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

  作文内容:

  Extreme sports are becoming  increasingly popular due to the fact that individuals nowadays are awash with  repeated daily work and want to find something exciting to do.Although a  group of people believe that the dangerous sports should be banned,I firmly  hold the opinion that people have their rights and freedom to choose sports  activities.

  There is no doubt that extreme  sports may be life-threatening.Even if the security facilities have been  improved significantly compared to the past,accidents do exist.For  instance,every year there are some people getting injured or even losing  their lives in bungee jumping as a result of the loose cords or jumping from  a inappropriate place.From this perspective,it seems that in order to protect  human beings from danger,dangerous sports should be restricted.

  However,doing dangerous sports is  an effective way to alleviate stress and make people cherish their  lives.Nowadays,owing to the fast flow of information,individuals live a  fast-paced life.When they finish certain works,now ones quickly flock to them  which could breed high pressure.In this circumstance,extreme sports such as  skydiving can help themget rid of the troublesome work[A1] as they need to totally focus on  the dangerous sports,which means,they have little time to think about their  work.Moreover,people may cherish their lives more via experiencing the  frightening feelings of death.

  To conclude,although extreme  sports like bungee jumping and skydiving may be life-threatening,the  probability is quite small.Also,the  dangerous activities are beneficial because they could alleviate stress and  make people cherish their lives.[A2]Therefore,they should be continued  and the authorities have the duty to make the security facilities more  reliable.

  [A1]摆脱的不是工作,而是工作带来的压力,这里需要修改;

  [A2]和上面的重复过多,缓解压力变相表达就是心情变得更加愉悦,可以从这个角度来改变表达方式,后者及意识的生命的宝贵,不可直接把上面的句子拿下来

  针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议:

  结尾段的语句不够精炼,这点给整篇文章拉分。希望今后不要出现结尾段直接和上面表达雷同的情况,并且表达方式可以更加灵活

  附批改原图:

1528529890463645.jpg

  以上就是小编为大家分享的托福考试作文范文。更多雅思培训、雅思考试真题下载等问题,可以咨询我们。

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