雅思作文批改5.5分|现代科技对生活的影响写作思路

2018-06-14 17:21 1796429次浏览
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  相较于听力和阅读,考生们总是对口语和写作这种“输出类”的考核更为头疼和担心。所以,要在雅思写作上高人一分,除了要勤练笔头之外,还需要清楚自己的问题弱点,知己知彼才能百战百胜嘛。一般雅思评分从以下几个维度进行:是否切题、字数符合要求、论点和逻辑扩展(分论点)、语法(词汇、句式、连贯)、论述新颖。今天为大家分享的是关于现代科技对生活的影响,认真阅读哦。

  作文题目:

  Some people think modern  technology makes life more convenient. Others think life was better when  technology was simpler. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

  作文内容:

  Life in  modern society is much easier and more convenient with advanced technology  benefiting every aspect of ourlivings[A1]. Some people, notwithstanding, believe that life was  actually better in ancient times when technology seemed to be simpler. For  me, I would argue that modern technology not only brings us convenience in  physical life but pressure and stress to our mental field.

  Excessive amounts oftechnologie[A2]s today, update themselves on a daily basis, which  force us to keep studying all the time to avoid falling behind. It can be,  sometimes, quite hard for us. In the workplace, the products need  innovations, the streamline probably has applied a new technique, oryour [A3]computer will be installed a completely unfamiliar  software. Under these circumstances, we would enjoy the improvement of  efficiency and simplification on the one side, but on the other side,we would  have to adapt ourselves to these rapid changes and have a good command of  these technologies as soon as possible, which could make us tired out  occasionally.[A4]

  In consequence, compared with fast-developing modern society, life is [A5]easier and less competitive in the past. Wedon’t [A6]need to bother how tocatch up with the pace of scientific  progress [A7]and, focusing on what we are doing and manage to finish  it best are all the things we ought to consider. Spare time is comparatively  more and can be spent on sightseeing or simply in having a cup of red tea.

  Thus, my conclusion is, though modern technology has its own  benefits of convenience in physical life, people would be calm and given  enough freedom to live a desirable life instead of being limited by a sophisticated  worldin  old days.[A8]

  [A1]改成life

  [A2]

  [A3]这个科技自己更新是不是太夸张了,整句的主语可换成technological advancements

  [A4]不该用your,这样是不客观的

  [A5]was

  [A6]Didn’t

  [A7]本段话很空洞,相当于不同的拿着第二段最后一句正话反说,不接地气而且是自相矛盾。前面说科技发展督促人们学习新东西是好事,后面怎么就变成麻烦了呢?你可以从人们的沟通能力,健康等方面来分析。比如科技发展的产物手机,使得和身边的家人疏远,小孩沉迷游戏不利于学习,对视力也有损害等等。

  [A8]1,此处加in old days 会让人误以为是过去的世界很复杂,多余,2,此处要强调的simpler technology没有提到,整句话是混乱的。可以直接把instead 后面的换成without ...,相当于没有复杂科技的话人们会活的更安详之类的

  针对问题最大的一点指出问题:

  主要的问题时文章的主题段结构不清晰。建议先梳理思路,学会全篇布局,这种讨论类的主体段可以用:观点+论证(举例说明或者其他解释)1+论证2这样的结构,观点二就另起一段,这样能让读者一目了然。

  附批改原图:

雅思作文批改5.5分|现代科技对生活的影响写作思路

  以上就是小编为大家带来的雅思作文批改范文。更多雅思口语技巧、雅思词汇量要求等问题,可以咨询我们。

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