托福考试作文批改21分|现代父母与过去父母在孩子功课的参与度话题写作思路

　　相较于听力和阅读，考生们总是对口语和写作这种“输出类”的考核更为头疼和担心。好文章不是写出来的，而是改出来的，所以，要在托福写作上高人一分，除了要勤练笔头之外，还需要清楚自己的问题弱点，知己知彼才能百战百胜嘛。一般托福写作评分从以下几个维度进行：是否切题、字数符合要求、论点和逻辑扩展（分论点）、语法（词汇、句式、连贯）、论述新颖。今天小编为大家分享的一片作文范文：现代父母与过去父母在孩子功课的参与度。

　　作文题目：

　　是否同意： 当代的父母比过去的父母更多的参与到了孩子的学习中？

　　作文内容：

　　Many people hold that  parents at our age are moreevolved involved这个错误不应该有的in children’s education and i totally go for this idea, not only  for parents aremore capable togive children substantial guide of their  knowledge, but also, they are more accessible to children’s education  with assistance of technology.

　　1、这里有一个短语用错

　　2、A isaccessible  to B的意思是B能够接近A

　　3、例：These documents are not accessible to the public.公众无法看到这些文件。

　　4、建议：increasinglyparticipatein或者increasingly engagethemselves  in

　　To begin with, parents  today are more informed than parents in the past as the quality of education  keep improving in past few years, therefore, they are more  accessible to children’s learning. In other words,he fields of  learning diversifying[A1] keep acting as  contributing factors to provide people more opportunities of acquiring much  more knowledge and expanding their vision. In this case, parents today，at their generation,  are equipped with many new knowledge of fields that their parents never explored. Based on  these lore they attained, parents today enable to provide  substantial guides of studying to  their children than older generation could do. For example, in my  country, the subjects of learning was so limited that people gain poor  knowledge from their studying 30 years  ago, however, today, the number of subjects  increased to 9 until now, so my parents basically could help us learning when we stuck with some  questions.这个例子可以使用，学科增至9门课程后面加一个过度，“这样父母就学的更多可以说theyare equipped with更多的知识”，so……..

　　On top of that, under the help’sof  theadvanced technology, people have many more means of  involving their children’s study. To  be more specific, with the improvements of technology, softwares of  communication are so well developedthere theseyears that parents today have more close connection with  children teachers, so they have more  access to track and know their children’s situation of study in order  to provide them useful helps帮助是可数的呢？. For example, the we chat, a popular communication software, as  the most representative example of advanced technology in recent years, are  widely used in our country, and almost all the parents contact with  children’s teacher through it so as to acquire their children’s information,  such as the grade of their study or the attitude of learning. Compared with  parents today, parents in the past had rare contact with their children’s  teacher, as the direct consequence of it, they have insufficient chance to  involve into their children’s learning.

　　In summary, asiI mention above, although people always pay enough attention to children’s  education, parents today who are equipped with more knowledge are obviously  morecapacitycapbleto  offerconductions introduction吧是不是写错单词啦when  their children ask for help. In addition, under assistance of advanced  technology, which is absent in the past, parents are more accessible to  children’s learning. Therefore, in my perspective, parents today are more  participate in children’s studying.

　　[A1]这一块儿有点问题，但是没看懂作者的原意

　　针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：

　　论证方面，其实就只表达了一个意思，语言上略显多，啰嗦，比如说第二段的论证，在开头的时候有了一个第二段又出现了这句parents today enable to provide  substantial guides of studying to  their children than older…….，若果把文章中类似这种多余的地方换成其他的有说服力力的论证，一定会大放光彩，所以根据这一点，建议是，针对不同的题目学习范文中论证语言，还有思路。可以参考一下写作真经4

　　给出解决方案：

　　1. 字数上绝对是过关了，但是注意将重复过的语言去掉，或者展开其他的内容会更好，但是需要积累，建议看写作真经4

　　2. 短语使用有误，建议积累的时候一定确定短语的用法再使用，积累的时候可以参考权威例句去斟酌，建议查权威词典，不要看网络的例句，如果查网络词典建议使用金山词霸上的牛津双解，或者是手机版有道词典的朗文高阶。

　　备注：关于原文标注修改， 可以使用电脑或者手机上的wps软件，才能看出修改的部分

　　附批改原图：

　　以上就是小编为大家带来的托福写作范文。更多托福考试考什么、2018年托福考试参考书推荐等问题，可以咨询我们。