雅思作文批改6分：基础不错，但论证举例比较勉强

　　写作能力的提升一定离不开大量的阅读和写作练习。阅读与写作练习是输入与输出的关系，阅读中获取的词汇量理解得会更透彻，积极主动的输出，相信大家的雅思写作能力会有质的提升。今天课窝网将继续分享优秀的作文范文。

　　作文题目：

　　Young people are leaving  their homes from rural areas to study or work in cities. What do you think  are the reasons? Do advantages of this development outweigh its  disadvantages?

　　作文内容：

　　Due tothe increasing level of living standard[A1],youngsters prefer to study or work in cities rather  than rural areas. This phenomenon can be influenced by various factors and  bring with both merits and demerits.

　　To begin with, well-rounded transport  system plays a rather essential role in this phenomenon. Many can travel from  remote areas to metropolis as it becomes affordable and convenient to travel  by public transportation.It is [A2]reasonable for some teenagers and even young adults to  come to cities to receive education since the educational resources can be  better than that in the rural areas.Prov[A3]iding with more job opportunities is also a very vital  factor to explain why more and more young people choose to survive and thrive  in big cities.

　　Being caused by several points, this  phenomenon is rather complex. From the overall point of view, it is positive.

　　[A4]First of all, with more young people studying and  working in cities, the average education level can be boosted and enough  labor force can be ensured. Another advantage is that living in cities is  beneficial for residents to broaden their horizons and enrich their life  experiences. It is advisable for youngsters to struggle in the city where  they have more possibilities to achieve their dreams.Moreover, some underprivileged young  people are living in avicious cycle[A5].As their parents don't have sufficient chances or  knowledge to earn money, rarely can they receive advanced education or seize  opportunities. Thus , leaving the rural areas to big cities seems to be a  suitable way to address this problem.[A6]

　　However, our government is supposed to tackle  problems including infrastructure pressure and traffic congestion which were  brought by this trend.[A7]

　　Overall, the merits of this phenomenon must  outweigh its demerits in many aspects. Hence it's reasonable for us to  support this trend.

　　【A1】the improvement of living standards

　　【A2】这应该是第二点原因了，缺少连词

　　【A3】第三点原因，同样缺少连词

　　【A4】这段的问题比较大，优点之间的分层不够明确，缺乏连接词。

　　【A5】都说是恶性循环了，岂不是和下文能够得到高等教育矛盾

　　【A6】这个论据举得不好，穷孩子父母缺乏知识就不太会让自己孩子上学，那又怎么资助这些孩子去城市学习？没有门路就算去了城市也没法在城市上学，而更可能是打工

　　【A7】这段写得也不好，建议调整位置。如果你支持这种现象优点多的话就先写缺点，用一个Admittedly引出缺点，再用However引出优点

　　针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：

　　本篇最大问题是论证的例举。优点中第三条非常勉强，可以不写，把缺点部分扩充写一下放在优点之前，然后结尾段用despite句型连接优缺点表达自己观点。此外，还要注意列举原因以及优缺点时要注意分层，运用连接词。

　　附批改原图：

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