托福作文批改20分：词汇和句式单一，须多积累

　　托福写作有多难，想必备考的你很清楚，能拿到24分已经是非常不错的分数了！而想要取得托福写作高分，前期的词汇及素材的综合积累万万少不得。今天课窝网就继续分享关于托福写作批改范文，大家也要自行检测哦。

　　作文题目：

　　TPO 23 Independent  writing task

　　Do you agree or disagree  with the following statement?

　　In  today’s world, it is more important to work quickly and risk making mistakes  than to work slowly and make sure that everything is correct.

　　Use specific reasons and  examples to support your answer.

　　作文内容：

　　When one is starting out in  business, one have a choice of whether to work rapidly in spite of making  mistakes, or sacrifice the speed to ensure the quality. Iconvince[A1] that the latter one is always thewidest[A2] decision.过于简洁，尽量三到四句以上。

　　第一段作为开头段，还是需要铺垫一下或者对于写作题目进行展开一下或者进行自我让步。比如自我让步With modern technologicaldevelopment，people tend tobe more concerned  with efficiency. Consequently, doing things slowly  and making almost everything correctly seems to be out of date.The  idea of working rapidly in spite of making mistakes is seemingly dominant in  oursociety.最后转折到自己的观点，However I contend thatscarificing  the speed to ensure the quality is always much wiser for the following  reasons.

　　Above most things, people  who alwaysmakes[A3] mistakes will be defined as the black sheep no matter  how much workhe  had[A4] done. Even a small mistake is potentially  catastrophic. Take the shuttle Challenger as an example, this great space  shuttle with seven brave astronauts on it exploded when it was in the process  of launching. All the tragedy was caused by a small/minor  mistake in the construction of the space shuttle. Now we can see what[A5]mistake means to people and the society.

　　主体段一定在每段开头都表明自己的分论点，上面这一段就没有说论点，只是在开头解释了经常犯错误对于人的影响。例子还是很充分论证了观点。咱们可以在段落开头写分论点，比如：Above most things，working at a high speed with greater risks of  making mistakespossiblybring about more damage to the related peoplethandoing things at a slow pace.

　　Furthermore, the people who works[A6] carefully are more likely to have/acquire/obtain/attain the recognition from the company executive and be promotedwith desirable salary. Peopletends[A7] to trust the one who is reliable, and thus the people  who eliminate any mistakes will have more opportunities toget  promotionbe promoted. If I am in charge of a  company, the one who is careful/cautious/meticulous with his own work willbewin my favor despiteof hisrelativelylow speed.Compared with other careless subordinates, he willenjoy more possibility of a higher position and decent salary.

　　注意despite介词的搭配，不需要用of；第三段有论点，有解释，有例证，但是还缺乏一个小结论。

　　Actually, in most  situations, working quickly but leaving a lot of mistakes will cost more time  instead of saving any,.[A8]Ssince  the mistakes can not be disappeared unless someone comes to revise it. It is  much more difficult/complex/complicatedto find the  mistakes after the whole project is finished/complete/accomplished  since/due to thatthere will be more  disturbances. With the extra time spent on revising the mistakes, doing work  quickly is not as efficient as it was considered to be. So, working slowly but leaving no mistakes is the quickest way to finish the jobaccurately/with highaccuracy.

　　第四段，论点解释论证和结论都有，但是例子不够吸引人，比如我们可以举例：制造汽车，在完工后，发现汽车没法正常行使，可能就涉及到刹车brake，引擎engine，方向盘steering wheel，就需要检验故障所在，检查每个零部件，比当初检查零件更费事。在举例的时候，可以稍微结合自己的专业，结合学科类的问题进行论证，这样会更充实和高大上。

　　In conclusion, I believe  that to work slowlyand make sure that everything is  correct[A9]/without errors is the best way to save time and to get recognition and promotion.结尾一句话太少，至少2到3句，而且既然想包含主体段的三个观点，那就3个观点都写上，而不是写2个。

　　In conclusion，although the general tendency of the world is topursue speedand ignore mistakes, my point of view isalways that working slowly and ensuring the tasks without errors is the best approach to avoid damage to thereleated field of work,obtain promotion and betime-efficient.

　　[A1]contend主张 属于用词不准确。 Convince及物动词，表示 使某人信服

　　[A2]wiser拼写错误，二者对比。

　　[A3]make 语法错误，主谓保持一致

　　[A4]we have, 时态和人称 与前面保持一致。

　　[A5]a

　　[A6]work 语法错误，主谓保持一致

　　[A7]tend 语法错误，主谓保持一致

　　[A8]前面的句号改成了逗号，因为since引导了一个因果从句，从句不能单独为一个句子，所以 就把 因果从句和前面的主句 合并了。

　　[A9]Correct 太普通了，可以多用一些介宾短语来修饰 名词或动词。

　　针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：

　　除了开头和结尾段扩充、第二段论点缺失以外，问题最大的还是语言上，词汇和句式的简单单一。

　　给出解决方案：

　　可以针对性的看一下范文，或者总结一下同类话题范文里面的观点。有针对性地积累好词好句，对同类题目的思路和论证归纳总结。听说你快考试了，可以看看写作机经，把机经题目的思路和论证自己用中文表述一下，并参考范文积累词组和表达。

　　附批改原图：

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