托福作文批改20分：论证可以再详细点

　　托福写作是对考生的词汇、语法、句子等多方面能力进行全方位考察的一个项目，考生需要认真备考。那么，如何有效备考托福写作呢？其中的一个高效方法就是作文批改。今天课窝网继续分享关于托福作文批改范文，大家在平时的练习中要注意这些写作盲区哦。

　　作文题目：

　　Do you agree or disagree  with the following statement?

　　It is better for children  to choose jobs that are similar to their parents’ jobs than to choose jobs  that are very different from their parents’ job.

　　Use specific reasons and  examples to support your answer.

　　作文内容：

　　There are always so many  fancy choices for young people when they startare  startingout the career. [b1]To consider several  factors, I agreeconvincethat[b2] the jobs that are  similar to their parents’ are  certainly a good choice.

　　Firstly,it is important to  learn experiences from the seniors at the point of entry, so that a lot of  troubles can be avoided. Parents can give you lots of valuable suggestions  since they have already been in the field for many years. For instance, the  young people who start his career as a civil engineer can learn the  techniques of mapping , and thus they  can draw the map more precise.

　　Secondly,another important  factor that the junior should take into consideration is the social network.  Rookies are unlikely to build a strong network, however, their parents have  already built one and that network can be really helpful if the rookies have  the same job with their parentseven though.But  it  does not mean that children should rely on the network.  Children have to make full use of the network, and thus get success easier.

　　However, there are still  some drawbacks of doing the job similar to their parents’, like the lack of  confidence is one of them. Ronaldo was one of the best football player on  this planet, but it does not mean  his son could play football as well as him. Actually, his career life was  full of criticism and people loved to compare him with his father, which  gradually destroyed his confidence. From this  example, we can see the potential drawbacks of doing the job similar to  parents’, so we should adjust our state tointhis  kind of situation.

　　All in all, though there  are drawbacks like lack of confidence, I still convince that doing the jobs  that are similar to the parents’ is a good choice for the teenagers  especially those who are rookies in their fields.

　　[b1]Fancy choices……，首句铺垫太薄，突兀。

　　[b2]Convince 做及物动词时，表示“说服, sb convinced you to do sth； 做不及物动词时，通常是，I am convinced that …

　　针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：

　　论证部分要更加详细；（论点与论据之间处理的很好，问题在于，论据太薄，刚刚触及问题点，戛然而止）

　　给出解决方案：

　　1.  中英互译练习，看着满分作文的中文，自己翻译成汉语。在这个过程中，不仅锻炼了中英转换的能力，还可以从范文中学习论点与论据的关系，及论据如何展开。

　　2.  观点清晰，但是从作文中可以明显看出模板的痕迹。每天一篇，表达自己所想，摆脱模板，不论是托福还是GRE ，看的是思想+表述准确。所以，积累不同表达，同义词和句型转换，丰富词汇和句式，会让你的作文增色不少。

　　3. 首段中，introduction 和 题目要求之间的连接不紧密，而且第一句表述不准确。首段特别是第一句是点睛之笔，要抓住阅卷人眼球，不允许有语法错误。

　　附批改原图：

　　以上就是小编为大家介绍的关于托福写作批改范文分享。更多南京托福冲刺班、托福成绩查询等问题，可以咨询我们。