雅思作文批改|5-5.5分：注意审题，切忌口语化

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　　作文题目：

　　In many countries  traditional foods are replaced by international fast foods. This is having a  negative effect on families and societies. To what extent do you agree or  disagree?[b1]

　　作文内容：

　　It is true that there is a  trend that international fast food restaurants are replacing the traditional  ones especially in the downtown. It is undeniable that fast food brings us  convenience and yummy taste but I think it causes negative effects to  different aspects of our society.

　　On one hand[b2], fast food such as hamburgers  and fried chicken tends to have an enormous quantity of calorie which should  take the responsibility of the increasing overweight rate of citizens. The  cross-boundary food companies use different and complex chemicals to make out  tasty food and we do not know whether these chemicals are safe enough and  whether they has long term effect on health. Opponents may maintain that the  international food groups take the same standard worldwide and they get  approved by the developed countries’ testing agencies. But with the limited  information andno  long[b3] term case, we still  cannot ensure their safety.

　　Onthe other hand,[b4] the people are driven  by their ownthirst  [b5]and advertisement which  can be seen everywhereto consume [b6]more fast food instead  of traditional one. We find that some traditional restaurants are in negative  daily balance so they tend to cut jobpositons [b7]and daily fees or even  join into fast food chains. The traditional food restaurants suffer loss from  the competition against international fast food companies. In addition, fast  food is suitable for the individual or small group, its popularity reduces  the chance of having dinner for a large family.

　　In conclusion,[b8] fast food causes some  kinds of health problems to our citizens and the international fast food  chains beat the local ones and win the majority of profits and market.

　　写完才发现太注重社会方面了，家庭只带到了一小部分[b9]，

　　这样侧重可以吗，还是不好需要修改。

　　[b1]好好审题，看看题目让你写什么，问同意不同意的是什么

　　[b2]这方面我看明白了，整段核心在说快餐对健康的影响

　　[b3]short不好么？

　　[b4]这方面我没看明白，整段核心观点是什么？如果有，为什么不写在首句，然后再展开论述

　　[b5]appetite

　　[b6]消费的主语是广告么？还是人？to let people consume…

　　[b7]positions

　　[b8]你的意见是什么？最大问题还是跑题了

　　[b9]就算家庭写满了，题目还是跑偏了

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