雅思作文批改|5.5分：注意句子的严谨性和充分性

　　雅思考试是为那些打算在以英语作为交流语言的国家或地区学习或工作的人们设置的英语语言水平考试，雅思考试内容是由听力、阅读、写作和口语共四部分。后面小编会陆续更新关于雅思写作的相关评分标准问题，在备考雅思时帮助大家不断修改中进步。

　　作文题目：

　　Do you agree or disagree with  the following statement? Your job has more effect on your happiness than your  living environment does.

　　作文内容：

　　In our daily life happiness  derives from scores of events, such as the achievement, job, love, friendship  or something else. According to the psychological research, what’s able to  bring happiness to people is so common that thousands of ordinary persons  attain more happiness than entrepreneurs. So concerning what makes people  happier, the job or the environment, I would say the living environment is  more effective.

　　First of all, living  environment will give students continuous enjoyment. Adolescents don’t  possess their views of value so that they are influenced easily by their  living environment. Facing the increasing burden in school, although some  students obtain the sense of success in some contest or examination, the  majority of the students feel stressful. At that time, in their circle of  friends, there has always been some considerate friends comforting them in  order to give them hands when they in need. Definitely, the depression of  dissatisfaction will go away soon. It is common that numerous students in  primary school become more and more depressed because of their schoolwork.  But with their schoolmates accompanying, their moods  will convert rapidly.

　　Next, as for adults, the living  environment will help them release themselves. A phenomenon that a host of  workers do the same work day by dayisn’t fancy[b1].The living environment could provide some  distinct sense to help themget  rid of [b2]the  dull jobs.[b3]Taking my aunt for example,  she worked as a female guard for a community. Her whole work is to watch the  monitor every day. There is no doubt that the happiness will not be brought  to her by the job.On  the contrary, her father is humorous enough that she can relax in such an  amusing environment. [b4]

　　Lastly, the job is a component  of the living environment. Few people focus completely on their jobs. People  can’t live without a living environment. According to Freud, people need  varieties of factors to gain excitements and then they may be much happier.  Of course, job is just a dimension of our daily life while the living  environmentcontain  [b5]the career, family, friends,  relatives and so on.

　　Above all, a living environment includes more resources of happiness than the job. It will make effects on all kinds of people whoever they are.

　　[b1]这里的意思和前面说不通，参考：is common

　　[b2]短语使用不当，这里的意思是“摆脱”

　　[b3]语言表达不准确，参考：

　　A relaxing and pleasant living environment could make them breathe a fresh breath amongst the monotonous jobs.

　　[b4]这一句简单的解释，简单不够充分。没有很好的说明问题

　　[b5]contains [b5]

　　针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：

　　作文在观点表达上，整体能够清楚的表达观点，并配合展开论述，但是注意在论述过程中，注意句子前后逻辑的严密性和论证的充分性。尤其是“原因”方面，一定要让读者充分信服。

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