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作文题目:
是否同意: 当代的父母比过去的父母更多的参与到了孩子的学习中?
作文内容:
Many people hold that parents at our age are moreevolved involved这个错误不应该有的in children’s education and i totally go for this idea, not only for parents aremore capable togive children substantial guide of their knowledge, but also, they are more accessible to children’s education with assistance of technology.
1、这里有一个短语用错
2、A isaccessible to B的意思是B能够接近A
3、例:These documents are not accessible to the public.公众无法看到这些文件。
4、建议:increasinglyparticipatein或者increasingly engagethemselves in
To begin with, parents today are more informed than parents in the past as the quality of education keep improving in past few years, therefore, they are more accessible to children’s learning. In other words,he fields of learning diversifying[A1] keep acting as contributing factors to provide people more opportunities of acquiring much more knowledge and expanding their vision. In this case, parents today,at their generation, are equipped with many new knowledge of fields that their parents never explored. Based on these lore they attained, parents today enable to provide substantial guides of studying to their children than older generation could do. For example, in my country, the subjects of learning was so limited that people gain poor knowledge from their studying 30 years ago, however, today, the number of subjects increased to 9 until now, so my parents basically could help us learning when we stuck with some questions.这个例子可以使用,学科增至9门课程后面加一个过度,“这样父母就学的更多可以说theyare equipped with更多的知识”,so……..
On top of that, under the help’sof theadvanced technology, people have many more means of involving their children’s study. To be more specific, with the improvements of technology, softwares of communication are so well developedthere theseyears that parents today have more close connection with children teachers, so they have more access to track and know their children’s situation of study in order to provide them useful helps帮助是可数的呢?. For example, the we chat, a popular communication software, as the most representative example of advanced technology in recent years, are widely used in our country, and almost all the parents contact with children’s teacher through it so as to acquire their children’s information, such as the grade of their study or the attitude of learning. Compared with parents today, parents in the past had rare contact with their children’s teacher, as the direct consequence of it, they have insufficient chance to involve into their children’s learning.
In summary, asiI mention above, although people always pay enough attention to children’s education, parents today who are equipped with more knowledge are obviously morecapacitycapbleto offerconductions introduction是不是写错单词啦when their children ask for help. In addition, under assistance of advanced technology, which is absent in the past, parents are more accessible to children’s learning. Therefore, in my perspective, parents today are more participate in children’s studying.
[A1]这一块儿有点问题,但是没看懂作者的原意
针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议:
论证方面,其实就只表达了一个意思,语言上略显多,啰嗦,比如说第二段的论证,在开头的时候有了一个第二段又出现了这句parents today enable to provide substantial guides of studying to their children than older…….,若果把文章中类似这种多余的地方换成其他的有说服力力的论证,一定会大放光彩,所以根据这一点,建议是,针对不同的题目学习范文中论证语言,还有思路。
给出解决方案:
1. 字数上绝对是过关了,但是注意将重复过的语言去掉,或者展开其他的内容会更好,但是需要积累,建议看写作真经4
2. 短语使用有误,建议积累的时候一定确定短语的用法再使用,积累的时候可以参考权威例句去斟酌,建议查权威词典,不要看网络的例句,如果查网络词典建议使用金山词霸上的牛津双解,或者是手机版有道词典的朗文高阶。
备注:关于原文标注修改, 可以使用电脑或者手机上的wps软件,才能看出修改的部分
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