托福作文批改|20分：论述还可以更精炼

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　　作文题目：

　　Do you agree or disagree with the following  statement: It is sometimes said that borrowing money from a friend can harm  or damage the friendship. Use specific reasons and examples to support your  answer.

　　作文内容：

　　With fast growth of  social activities at present, numerous peopleis [b1]inclined to acquire  economic support from friends rather than relatives traditionally. Generating  debt among friends, in some people's opinions, is a piece of cake, which  hardly impact the intimate bond between true friends. Contrary to a large  percentage of people's opinions is my proposal that borrowing from friends  significantly hamper relationship with friends.

　　What must be prioritized is that  contradiction and conflicts are caused by debt on a regular basis.pure [b2]relationship,once  engaged in economy argument linked to private benefits, will become foul and  bring about collision, undermining friendship. Take my friend Amy, a gorgeous and prosperous girl  apparently, asa  [b3]example. Once she craved a fascinatingcloth [b4]taking up almost half of her monthly deposit, when  hanging out with me. By hunting for my aids, she managed to possess this  coat, making her promise to pay back. However, never had she mentioned it  from then, and withexcuse[b5]--such asparents limitation and private stuff[b6]-- each time she was required to return. I conceived her behavior as intention to  postpone the paying date,which means she was actually not willing to pay me  the debt, contributing to terrible and unfavorable impression that it was a  waste of time to connect with her continuously. Simultanuously, she wasembarressed [b7]and attempted to avoid encountering me. Consequently,  weak relationship gradually havetake [b8]place of our positive connection.

　　（这一大段都是在说一个例子，整体篇幅过长，几乎占据了整个段落的篇幅，注意事例是为了说明自己的核心观点，最好能够用2-3句话精炼概述，不需要详细说明，能够支持自己的观点即可。）

　　What should be equally worth discussing is  that debt among friendsdishonor [b9]us. It isequaility [b10]that is the foundation of friendship, which  will be damaged by economic connection due to the loss of face. Among  enormous people is me, who rarelyincrease the possibility of borrowing[b11]money from friends. Ocassionally after  borrowing from friends, Intended action, such as trying to be prudent and  careful about any extra owing, emerges, resulting in intensity and  anxiety. Worth still, friends lending  you moneyreuduce  [b12]therequency [b13]of meeting so as to unusual and wired behavior  of me. Even though returning it finally, I cannot possess a harmonious  relationship with her as in the past.

　　（这一段开头提到的观点是关于朋友之间的平等关系会被打破，但是在之后的论述中相关性不强，没有围绕着这平等这一关键词。）

　　The public hold the belief that true  friends seldom take it seriously, neglect the fact that a mass of trouble and  collision, including severe argument and fighting, will accompany with  economic connection,considerably [b14]impair relationship between friends.

　　Borrowing from friends will augment the possibility of Debt conflicts, as illustrated in the instance of Amy, leading to a weak relationship. The equal communication will be impacted, as exemplified in my own case. Therefore, I strengthen and highlight my point that economic connection will undermine friendships undoubtedly.

　　[b1]are 主要前面人表示复数

　　[b2]注意大小写

　　[b3]an

　　[b4]cloth表示的“布”，clothes 的表示的是衣服，注意区别

　　[b5]various excuse[b5]s

　　[b6]表达不准确，参考：tight budget

　　[b7]embarrassed [b7]

　　[b8]taken

　　[b9]dishonors [b9]

　　[b10]equality [b10]

　　[b11]borrow

　　[b12]reduce [b12]

　　[b13]frequency [b13]，注意单词的拼写，错误太多

　　[b14]and considerably [b14]

　　针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：

　　作文中自己的观点十分重要，结合已经标出的问题，主要在论述的过程中，一定要围绕自己的中心论点，事例列举不在于详细，注意简练，能够说明问题即可。

　　可参考思路：

　　托福写作185题库独立写作题目翻译

　　你是否同意有时候向朋友借钱会伤害友谊?

　　审题关键词

　　Borrowing money from a friend; Friendship

　　论证分析

　　正：借钱让朋友之间觉的不信任

　　正：借钱给朋友带来很大的经济压力

　　正：借钱让朋友之间觉得不平等

　　附批改原图：

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