托福作文批改|20分：语言还好提炼，有小语法错误

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　　作文题目：

　　Do you agree with the  following statement? People often buy products not because they really need  them but because other people have them.

　　作文内容：

　　According to our  necessity, buying commodities is a routine activity. It is commonplace that  women can’t stoppurchase  [b1]varieties of charming  clothes, shoes in style, brand-new handbags or something like those. This  phenomenon, however, sometimessuggest [b2]that people buy things  just owing that friends surrounding them possess objects. These objects are  so attracting that they are eager to have the same one or even a better one.I reckon  that there are numerous people buying merchandise only because other people  have them.[b3]

　　Shopping for something  means keeping pace with fashion at times especially for girls. The fashion styles  change rapidly in recent years. If the young want to be stylish people, they  should pay plenty of money for buying things that are the symbol of fashion,  even if they do not lack anything. Take some fans as an example, a female  star, a great multitude of girls’ idol, maypresent [b4]in an airport wearing  a set of new suits. Her fans may follow her pace in order to be fashionable.  Then the suits will be popular with buyers wherever in the emporium or on the  Internet. Who buy the charming suits doesn’t lack clothes in most cases,that [b5]means they shouldn’t  have bought those suits because the suits are not the necessities for them.  Their purchasing attributes to their idols possession.

　　Besides, theneedless  buying[b6]relates to somebody’s  status. It is sure that a millionaire will not expense only for necessities.  Therefore, while people in the middle class see the wealthy spend money on  objects, they imitate their behaviors to show they can consume like those  people. Fellows who are not familiar with these people may hold the opinion  that these middle class guys may have higher status. For instance, a woman  asked her boyfriend to offer an iphone7 to herself in spite that shehave [b7]possessed an iphone6s  three months ago. After she saw one of her girlfriends bought an iphone7, she  was desired for one to satisfy her vanity. In her mind, her status will be  higher as long as she has the latest technological products.

　　Luxuries of course are not necessities in most cases. The rich often buy them for neither their needs nor their preference but for be the same as people around them. Indeed consuming on luxuries can improve the economy as well as promote factories productions. If people buy things only to meet their needs, many industries will go down. People consuming properly will lead to a win-win situation that benefit for both individuals and our society.

　　[b1]purchasing [b1]

　　[b2]suggests 注意前面是 [b2]phenomenon

　　[b3]I reckon that there are countless people buying products out of impetuosity envy, or even vanity.

　　在英语表达中，能用词汇或短语表达就尽量不要使用简单句，这样句子更加精简。

　　[b4]presents [b4]

　　[b5]whhci

　　[b6]这里的概述有些不准确，建议改成：高昂奢华的物品也许能够显示一个人的社会地位。

　　参考：extravagance and luxuries can represents a person of high social status.

　　[b7]has 注意主语的第三人称单数

　　各项细评：

　　针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：

　　在论证过程中，语言表达尽量精简，最好能够用2-3句话表达清楚自己的意思，长短句结合使用，整体来看，论证部分稍显啰嗦，不够精练。

　　附批改原图：

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