托福作文批改20分|整体没太大问题，但论点需要更客观

　　要拿高分，得具备很多条件，较大的词汇量，扎实的语法，清晰的逻辑思维，丰富的观点见解，另外至少还有亦师亦友的人帮你批改托福作文。课窝网今天带来一篇托福作文批改，希望各位能从他人错误中获取教训，从他人成功处获取经验。

　　作文题目：

　　Topic: In times of an economic crisis, in which  area should the government reduce its spending? 1. Education 2. Health Care 3  .support for the unemployed.

　　作文内容：

　　When a country is encountered with an  economic crisis, it is crucial for the powerful government to judge the  merits and demerits of cost in some areas and finally make a reasonable  decision to relieve the economic pressure and help citizens through  difficulties. Some people may contend that the money spent on education and  support for the unemployed is a waste in the period of an economic crisis, since the effect of  educational investment cannot be seen in a near future and the support for  the unemployed cannot have an everlasting impact. However, I maintain  that both the education and support for the unemployed can be more vital than  the health care when faced with economic crisis.

　　（首段内容总体有些过程，建议在现象描述中精简概述，比如具体的原因解释，不必出现在首段内容中，可以在中心段落中具有描述，字数尽量控制在100字以内。）

　　First of all, education can lead people  on the right way and thus decide the nation's future. It is a consensus thatpeople's  behaviors are controlled by their souls[b1],  and education is the fundamental tool for modeling our spirits. We can image  that if our country pay less attention to the education, therewill be [b2]less  wise and erudite elites who can rapidly advance our technology and guide our  nation to overcome the obstacles in the future crisis. So, all instances and  analysis above could tell us a truth: education is a significant cause which  deserves our emphasis and investment whatever our country is going through.

　　Secondly, support for the unemployed  can relieve many people's economic pressure and maintain the stability of our  society, which can be paramount in an economic crisis. Elaborately, crime  caused by the indigent life condition can trigger a chaos in society, so that  economy can deteriorate in an irreversible trend. On the contrary, if we  provide the unemployed with a safe and promising job, we will minimize the  possibility of crime caused by the unemployed. In conclusion, the support for  unemployed can sustain our country and properly settle people as much as  possible.

　　Admittedly, the health care is very  important in our life because the investment in health care can improve our  life quality and cure many illness and aches. Nevertheless, the money put in  this area when economic crisis happens isunnecessary[b3]  and even an unreasonable waste of resource. The purpose of health care is  to makeour  body become better,[b4] but there are numerous methods to keep healthy. For example, we can take  exercise more often or have a balanced diet habit, which can protect us from  some disease which is a result of unhealthy lifestyles. Instead, we need to  cure the mental illness of some people who suffer from economic loss by  guaranteeing their education and working condition.

　　In conclusion, if we take all the  factors into account and have to reduce the spending on certain area, it is  safe to say that we have no choice but to decrease the money spent on health  care.

　　[b1]这里的表达不太准确，这种类型作文中，表达方式要具有客观性，说服性要强。这句话可以说明是出自哪里。否则不具有一般代表性。

　　[b2]would be 这里最好使用虚拟语气

　　[b3]and 前后最好保持一致的结构，符合“平行结构”，这样句子结构和可读性都会更强，参考：

　　is unnecessary[b3] and unreasonable或者：

　　is not an necessity[b3] and even an unreasonable waste of resource

　　[b4]people have a better well-being

　　针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：

　　作文整体比较好，语言表达方面没有太大的问题，注意一下在论述的过程中，论点尽量保持客观，说服性要强（参考第二段给出的批注）

　　附批改原图：

　　以上就是小编带来的托福考试作文批改，更多托福阅读时间、托福听力技巧等问题，可以咨询我们。