托福作文批改|22分：词汇和句式表达不够清楚

　　要拿高分，得具备很多条件，较大的词汇量，扎实的语法，清晰的逻辑思维，丰富的观点见解，另外至少还有亦师亦友的人帮你批改托福作文。课窝网今天带来一篇托福作文批改，希望各位能从他人错误中获取教训，从他人成功处获取经验。

　　作文题目：

　　When you visit a new  place, do you prefer to participate in a tour group led by a tour guide or  explore by yourself?

　　作文内容：

　　"I'd like to have a traveling without  a tour guide," numerous time [b1]my friend Amy, who is  preparing for a tour currently,tells me. However, contrary to her perspective  is my opinion that it is a[b2] optimal instructor  that could render service and assistance to you, contributing to fascinating  experience.

　　What should be prioritized is convenience  brought by professional guidance. To begin with, excessive people are available for  locating direction with instruction from a tour guide.[b3] In detail, attempting  to explore remote area with magnificent scenery, generally mountains and  streams, leaves people in potential risks of loss [b4]on a regular basis.  Futhermore, an excellent guide provides tourists with access to information  regarding delicious dishes and satisfying accomendation[b5]. Specifically, distincitive dishes is [b6]accessible for travellers with a local guide.[b7] my own experience is  a good case in point. Once taking a journey to yellow mountain in China, with  local guide's aid, I certainly embraced marvelous nature and released myself  from stress of assignments, resulting from comfortable living environment and  gratifying food introducted  [b8]by the guide.

　　What should be equally worth discussing is  that the journey would be more appealing and intriguing under instruction,  compared with a trip without a guide. Initially, we harvest and reap benefits  from lively introduction of each landscape from an enthusiastic guide. To  explain further, only by increasing the knowledge of history behind  prestigious landmarks, could deep understanding is [b9]reachable.  Additionally, being in relation with the residents also becomes accessible  with a local person, the guide. The more guide lead us to be committed in  local living, the more intimate bond between travellers and local life will  be established and strenghthened[b10]. Among numerous explorers is Sanma, is [b11]keen on socializing and interacting with the  local guide, for the sake of observing and learning real life of them. The fantasic [b12]story written in her book indicates that this,  undoubtedly, take advantages over traveling alone.

　　Enjoying a journey with a guide, as exemplified in the example of my own experience, is favorable for satisfying our needs. Simultaneously, our trip tempt

　　[b1]times [b1]这里表示次数是可数的

　　[b2]a[b2]n

　　[b3]excessive词汇使用不是十分准确，这一次表示“过多，过分” 可以直接使tourists, people ,sightseer

　　此外这话的表达有些歧义，参考：

　　Precise location of the scenery are easily accessible for the tourists with the instruction of a guide.

　　[b4]loss [b4]表示“丢失。。什么东西”，lost表示“迷失方向或走丢”

　　[b5]accommodation[b5] 注意单词的拼写

　　[b6]are

　　[b7]其实这一句和上面句意是重复的，有些多余，建议删除

　　[b8]introduced [b8]

　　[b9]注意后半句中已经有了位于动词could，这里可以直接使用形容词后置的用法，参考：only by……

　　could deep understanding [b9]reachable.

　　[b10]strengthened[b10]

　　[b11]who is [b11]

　　[b12]fantastic [b12]

　　[b13]tempts [b13]

　　[b14]这里句子前后没有相关的指代词，用在这里会造成指代不明，建议可以直接使用guide

　　[b15]a

　　针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：

　　作文整体观点论述比较比较好，论述完整，逻辑清楚，注意语言方面的问题比较多，尤其是有些词汇和句式表达都不是十分准确，容易给读者造成一些理解上的问题，建议在平时的练习中，可以放慢速度，多注意词汇的选择和句子的准确性。

　　附批改原图：

　　以上就是小编带来的托福考试作文批改，更多托福阅读时间、托福听力技巧等问题，可以咨询我们。