雅思作文批改}5.5分：逻辑不够清晰

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　　作文题目：

　　More and more people  buy and use their own cars. Do you think the advantages of this trend  outweigh the disadvantages for environment?

　　作文内容:

　　Nowadays, a prevalent  statement we often hear is that the number of cars brought for individual use  is increasing so that traffic congestion trend to be more serious than  before. Using private cars seems to be a fashion, while a substantial number  of opponents claim that this situation should be improved because it not only impact [b1]traffic condition but  alsogive  [b2]rise tofearful [b3]environmental  pollution. Both sides look pretty reasonable at the first glance, but it is  unfair to draw the final conclusion before we make a close analysis toward  the pros and cons.

　　（第一段内容显得过长，建议精简一些，控制在80字以内）

　　Admittedly, as car  owners, it is a real belief to possess a transportation tool because of the convenience  it offers us. Particularly,in the era of the technology developing quite rapidly which  provides us numerous ways to increase efficiency. [b4]To be more specific,  driving a carwaste  [b5]less time than using  other public transportations. For instance, if we are caught in a heavy rain  or snow by accident, driving private cars is a better choicerather than[b6] waiting for unpunctual buses in severe weather  condition. By doing so, people can save for more time. Besides that, when  there issomething [b7]urgency like delivering important mail or sending others  to hospital and using a personal car will never be a worse decision.

　　However, despite the  argument sounds pretty logical, it is not to mean that this trend is feasible  in the long run. As everyone understood, due to the claim above which give  rise to the increase of private cars in roads and on account of the reason  that everyone wants to enjoy the convenience from cars. What is worse, along  with more and more cars, they are not life helpers any more. Cars become  burdensome and I suppose drivers are tired of loud horns and cacophony used  for private cars’ announcements at present. Meanwhile, the horrible sound and  atmosphere pollutions pose threats to humans’ living environment.To large  extent, our health are affected by these invisible jeopardizes such as haze  and air and water contaminations which result in lung and brain cancer or  asthma.[b8]

　　To sum up, thinking  for human beings’ existence, temporary joy and convenience are far inferior  to our health. Fitness is priceless. Hence, as far as I am concerned, some  measures should be taken to reduce the private carsusing properly[b9]. To keep fit is the  superior purpose.

　　[b1]

　　[b2]gives [b2]

　　[b3]建议删除，这个形容词用在这里不太恰当

　　[b4]The era of rapid technological development provides us with numerous ways to increase efficiency.

　　[b5]wastes [b5]

　　[b6]than[b6]，注意这里是比较结构，better … than[b6]

　　[b7]删除，urgency的意思就是“紧急事件”，也可以改成：something [b7]urgent

　　[b8]这里的结论是怎么得来的呢？尤其是水污染和汽车增多联系在一起呢？

　　[b9]删除，前后意思不搭，采取措施来减少私家车就可以了；

　　或者是：采取措施规范私家车的使用。

　　针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：

　　总体来看，中间段的论述前后不是十分符合逻辑，意思有些混乱，建议在写作中注意要让读者一目了然，从前句要直接能够得出后面的结论，由因推果要一目了然。

　　附批改原图：

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