托福作文批改18分：大学就业指导

　　相较于听力和阅读，考生们总是对口语和写作这种“输出类”的考核更为头疼和担心。好文章不是写出来的，而是改出来的，所以，要在托福写作上高人一分，除了要勤练笔头之外，还需要清楚自己的问题弱点，知己知彼才能百战百胜嘛。一般托福写作评分从以下几个维度进行：是否切题、字数符合要求、论点和逻辑扩展（分论点）、语法（词汇、句式、连贯）、论述新颖。今天小编为大家分享的一片作文范文：大学就业指导。

　　作文题目：

　　Agree or disagree? College  or university should offer more preparation before students start working.

　　作文内容：

　　The  issue of employment rate of students has long been the center of public  attention. Most of the graduatesnerve[A1] cease to pursue a satisfying job, especially in this  fiercely competitive society, faced with various stress .In this situation  ,collegereor  university have the responsible to help students prepare to start working.

　　The  first thing in which the college or university can do is toopen  a lecture about  workingguidance[A2]. The university can invite famousentrepreneur or known alumnus[A3] to make a speech. Like how to perform better in the  interview,.how to  choose a job fitting yourself .Take my college for example .last mouth, the  CEO of Alibaba, Jack Ma came to our campus, making a speech named whether themordantmodernuniversity  students should create own business after graduation. In  thetwo-hours  speech[A4] .hHe  shared his experience and feeling when he started to set the first company, solving  many working problems in my mind.

　　Second,  the college or university can offer students bettereducations [A5]resources, making  us morecompetitivethe  have better capacityin the society .FacingIn  the fierce marketing,. Mmost  of the companies want torecite[A6] the best employees.Only[A7]whenyou have better capacity, canyoucan get out ofstand  outamong the competitors.

　　For example,[A8]university can update the equipment in laboratory, so  chemistry students can analyze complexed  subject and synthesizes  valuable component. ThroughBuildingsound  relationship with famous foreign universities,so  business students can have more chance to learn the different marketing and  visiting famous companies. ByEexpanding  the scale of the library, so history students  can have abundant documents to read and more valuable books  to lend .By the example mentioned about it is evidence  thatThus, if university or college  provides students withbetter  education, they canhavebe more accessible tobetter  capacity to startvarious  workingpositions.

　　Granted[A9]Last  but not the least,I am not saying thatstudents  themselves don’thavenot the ability to start working independently,  since.No one  can deny thatnowadays students have more expandedbetter  horizon and higher education background. However, graduatestudents are too youngwith no social  experience, so taking the advantage of, too naive when they  just graduate from campus. Therefore they need the help of the  university or campusisa wise choice..

　　Ina  conclusion, college or university should offer more preparation before  students start working.

　　[A1]never

　　[A2]就业指导应该用 career guidance

　　[A3]应该都用复数吧？

　　[A4]Two和hour中间插入连字符的时候相当于一个形容词，或者也可以用 two hours’ speech 需要表示所属

　　[A5]教育这里是不可数的，资源是可数的

　　[A6]recruit

　　[A7]Only 开头的时候主句需要倒装，也就是 only when we/i...，can you/i/we...

　　[A8]这里不是要分段，只是为了你方便查看批注

　　[A9]也可以改成provided that“假使”

　　各项细评：

　　针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：

　　在论述的时候一定要注意切题，这一点也是ETS主要考虑的部分。题目问的是原因，你的答案主要说的是方式，所以有些不切题。在审题的时候，一定要多花一点儿时间，透彻理解题目之后再着手去写。语言的积累不够。整个文章行文思路比较清晰，但是在表达上需要加强自己的语言积累；另外，在分论点的论述中，需要加强论点和例子之间的关系，才能使得论证更加地充分。

　　给出解决方案：

　　可以在课下多看一些高分作文，积累和补充自己的语言漏洞；另外，可以模仿高分范文，自己多去做练习，最重要的是自己要有意识地去写文章，在写作中把自己平时积累的语言运用起来，并且一定要计时写文章，在规定时间内完成的话可以激发你的英语潜力，也可以让你熟悉考试环境；另外，在分论点的论述中，可以先用汉语去列出自己的思路框架，方便你在写作的时候给自己一个提醒，知道自己的下一步应该如何进行，以及运用什么样的例子，这样的话，才能在答题的时候有一个宏观和整体的把控，不至于出现逻辑断层的现象。

　　附批改原图：

　　以上就是小编为大家带来的托福写作范文。更多托福考试考什么、托福口语技巧等问题，可以咨询我们。