托福作文批改22分：论点很充分，但表达可以更精简一点

　　相较于听力和阅读，考生们总是对口语和写作这种“输出类”的考核更为头疼和担心。好文章不是写出来的，而是改出来的，所以，要在托福写作上高人一分，除了要勤练笔头之外，还需要清楚自己的问题弱点，知己知彼才能百战百胜嘛。一般托福写作评分从以下几个维度进行：是否切题、字数符合要求、论点和逻辑扩展（分论点）、语法（词汇、句式、连贯）、论述新颖。

　　作文标题：

　　Do you agree or  disagree——Students at school should be required to study art and music in  addition to math, language and history?

　　作文内容：

　　Nowadays, students in the  university have to take a great deal of courses in order to improve  themselves. Some people may argue that they should take more art and music  courses instead of taking courses like math, language and history. However, I  think that is a misunderstanding. I contend we students should take art and  music courses as well as math, language and history courses.

　　Courses like math, language  and history are quite necessary to students. These courses are known as basic  courses in almost every university, and we should regard them as the primary  goal. Math is almost everywhere around our daily lives. Learning math well  can really improve our logical thinking, so we could have a better method to  solve the problem we faced during work or other courses. What’s more, science  is full of practical use, too. By learning science knowledge, we will be able  to explain how the world and universe work. And history can largely improve  our horizons so that we could avoid these avoidable mistakes through the past  experiences. All of these subjects are necessary to students and they have to  take these courses.

　　On the other hand, art and  music is of great importance, too. I can hardly imagine if we have a tight schedule  which onlyinclude  [b1]some basic subjects like  math. That is a terrible thing. We do need these art courses in our schedule for  the reason that we have to relax ourselves during these classes. As we all  know, art is so creative and enjoyable, if we have no opportunities to watch  brilliant movies, enjoy classical music, or appreciate famous paintings, our  lives will be occupied by figures, scores, and physical principles. We  students cannot even get a chance to reduce our pressures. Actually I think  enjoying the daily life is as paramount as learning basic skills, so we  really need these art and music classes.

　　Last but not the least, art  and music classes can also offer us a chance to make more friends. In other  words, art and music offer us a great deal of conversation topics, which is  really crucial to making new friends. When we have some chances to meet new  people, movies and music are brilliant topics to found a relationship between  you and your new friends. For example, we could talk about our favorite music  types, exchange ideas with each other. In addition, we could just show a  brilliant painting to others, and introduce itt [b2]them, so that we could  get a chance to talk with others. We really need some basic knowledge of art  and music to enlarge our interpersonal circles.

　　In conclusion, after  thinking deeply, I contend we students should take art and music courses as  well as math, language and history courses.

　　[b1]includes 注意前面的主语是 [b1]a tight schedule

　　[b2]to

　　针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：

　　文章从整体上看，基本没有大的问题，建议在字数上，控制在400字以内，尤其是在中间论述段，稍显赘述，可以尽量用精简的语言表达好自己的观点；平时建议按照考试的时间，把握作文的字数。

　　附批改原图：

　　以上就是小编为大家带来的托福写作范文。更多托福考试考什么、2018年托福考试参考书推荐等问题，可以咨询我们。