托福作文批改19分：词汇、句式单薄

　　相较于听力和阅读，考生们总是对口语和写作这种“输出类”的考核更为头疼和担心。除了要勤练笔头之外，还需要清楚自己的问题弱点，知己知彼才能百战百胜嘛。一般托福写作评分从以下几个维度进行：是否切题、字数符合要求、论点和逻辑扩展（分论点）、语法（词汇、句式、连贯）、论述新颖。

　　托福作文题目:

　　Do you agree or disagree  with the following statement?

　　People  living in small towns or villages are more satisfied with their lives than  those living in big cities.

　　托福作文内容：

　　Currently, there is a widespread belief that people are more satisfied,  when they live inthe some towns or a villages,.  （fFrom  my perspective, the choice of living in a big city or in a small town is not  a question of advantages or disadvantages but a question of personal choice  or interest.） Althoughthe  amount of people living in cities occupya  large proportion ofpopulation,  it does not mean that people really aspire to live in cities. Thereis  a large amount of literature works that convey the desire of people who livein  cities and want to move back to the countryside.So, I support  to live in a small town.

　　开头你写了是个人因素导致选择大城市或小城市，但是呢，中间主体段你说的还是优势劣势，所以有些总论点和分论点不一致。

　　开头可以分为4钟，背景引入，自我让步，概念展开，题目重申。

　　背景引入，介绍时代的背景，关于话题发生了什么。

　　自我让步，一直说对方的观点，最后提及自己的观点。

　　概念展开，就是对于一个抽象的概念进行细说，比如成功的定义，成功包含什么。

　　题目重申，就是对于题目换一个说法说一遍。

　　First and foremost，pPeople  living in small villages can enjoy a better/more cozy/far more  comfortable environment. Factors, such as the friendly neighborhoodpeople,  the clean atmosphere, the closeness to nature and the gentle pace of living,  contribute to a healthier living environment/lifestyle.  In big/modern cities/large metropolis,  most people have been compelled/pushed to work like  machinesnearly without stop. They are too  busy/hectic to stop fora  small talk, and they are unwilling/reluctant/exhausted  with no time to go out to meet friends after a week of hard work/tedious  work. In contrast, the citizens of small towns enjoy so much  leisure time that they are always open to conservations and free to meet for  dinner or walks.Therefore,with the companyof  family members and close frineds,people in towns or  villageslead a much morerelaxed lifeunderthis agreeable/favorablecircumstance.

　　每个主体段最好以first，second，last开头，清晰表明自己的观点。Topic  sentence+explanation+example+conclusion，每一段的结论也是很重要的。注意一下你的字词句，避免普通词汇，避免重复用词。还有少量的语法错误，都要避免，写完要检查检查。

　　Additionally，lLife  in small villages is less stressful. Big city covers bigger area/large-scale  regions, and has more population densities than villages/countryside.  So we can say that big city has anenormous  number of population, through alogical  speculation, which means there are many people/talents  areas good as or even better/more  outstanding than you. Facing such situation can bring  about intensive pressure, as it diddoes  in the case of my older brother whohas been working[A1]ed  in Sshanghai  sincetwo years ago. He is an  electronic engineer and graduated from a high reputation school in uUnited  sStates.  In a logical way, he is more likely to get a good job, however, thethings [A2]does  not work in that way. He said tThere wereare  too many powerful/talented competitors who isare  also of great education可以改成with strong education  background.Confrontedwith competitive job market, my elder  brother made every effort to apply for jobs, survived in the interviews and  finally got admitted into alarge overseas  company. Still, he is struggling to prove his abilityin  his job and attempts to acquire promotion and salary rise,due  tothe increasingpressure of living  cost. Compared with the city, the villagers are  subjected to less stress andwill maintain good  physical and psychological health.

　　这一段开头topic  sentence+explanation+example都有，但是例子论述还欠缺结尾conclusion，可以加上，人口压力带来什么影响了。

　　So, taking all of the above factors into account, I agree with the  opinion that Ppeople  living in small towns or villages are more satisfied with their lives than  those living in big cities.

　　To sum up,  considering all the analyses above, wecan  safely come to the conclusion that people should live in small villages ifthey  want to have a more comfortable life.Pleasant living  environment and less stress will result in more happiness andless  diseases.People shoule never get money andpower  at the expense of their happiness, that is what I firmly believe.

　　结尾太过简洁，可以把上面的理由再复述一遍，最后说出自己的论点。而且不要重复题目，即使要重复一样的意思，要用不同的表达或句式。

　　323个字，字数偏少，要拿高分至少400字以上，最好也是五段式，包含三个主体段。

　　【A1】注意时态 has been doing sth

　　【A2】单复数问题，主谓要保持一致，

　　针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：

　　除了开头突兀和结尾段扩充以外，主体段需要小的总结，呼应topic sentence，主体段之前缺乏序数词first，second，additonally，what’s more问题最大的还是语言上，词汇和句式的简单单一。

　　字数太少，需要增加一个主体段。

　　给出解决方案：

　　可以针对性的看一下范文，或者总结一下同类话题范文里面的观点。有针对性地积累好词好句，对同类题目的思路和论证归纳总结。也可以看看写作机经，把机经题目的思路和论证自己用中文表述一下，并参考范文积累词组和表达。

　　附批改原图：

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