托福作文批改17分：运动和社交与上课一样重要

　　一般托福写作评分从以下几个维度进行：是否切题、字数符合要求、论点和逻辑扩展（分论点）、语法（词汇、句式、连贯）、论述新颖。今天课窝网继续分享范文：“运动和社交与上课一样重要”，大家可以以话题自行参考。

　　作文内容：

　　前面最好有一个背景引入I agree with the statementwhich is that同位语从句与定语从句混淆at  university, sports and social activities are as important as classes and  should receive equal financial support. There are some reasons to support my opinion.

　　First of all, universitiesare 后面有need做谓语动词了not onlyneed to teach students  knowledge, but also tell students what they should do,what skills they need to get and keep theirthem  health and have balance diet, but if we do not give the  equal financial support of sports and social activities, students will not  have so many opportunities to improve their skills of communicate这里ing形式with others and doingmore  work, and make their a large number of capabilities become worse. As Meng Zi  said:" If someone gives a big deal to you, you must make your body  stronger, make your mind keener and make your goal sharper and so on, do some  sports and social activities can help them improve their skills ofadapting[A1]any soundings. That is  a reason of why we need sports, social  activities andpay magnify of attention on[A2] them.

　　Secondly, students will not  know what they need to do and what people want to do when they get a job, if  they did not have any social activities, and they also do not have full of  energy to deal with their work, if they do no sports, because they did not do  any exercise when they finish their high school courses.So many celebrities achieve their dreams  not only keep themselves full of knowledge, but also know the mind of people  and persuade people to help with them.[b3] There is a giant who is  the first president of PRC, Mao Zedong. Although he was full of knowledge, he  talked to others and thought of people deeply.这个地方建议是他能够通过与人沟通，很好的带领大家齐心协力做事情He died when he was 83, if he did not did exercise he could not  have a longevity like this,活这么久跟成功的关系是什么这个论证角度不好，建议是因为毛泽东锻炼身体，所以才能在艰苦的环境下呕心沥血完成他的事业。so universities and colleges need to train the abilities of  sports, social activities.

　　第二段论证的问题在于，论点是如果不参加社会活动，学生们不知道做什么怎么做，不做运动学生们不会有足够的精力去做什么，后面的过渡句说的是很多伟人不仅知识渊博还知道与人交流，让别人帮助他，那么后面的例子应该围绕着与人交流，怎样通过交流使他最终成功的，要突出他知识以外的social activities这些技能使他成功的，这样你才能说服学校为social activities投资对不？

　　然而你后面只是提到了他与别人交流，长寿，并没有说这两点与成为一个伟大的人有什么直接的关系。论证就不够紧密了。

　　In the end, I want to tell  you a reason which I think is the most important. Sports can help students  reduce their stress and make their mind much clearer. That isavery  important to all students,体育的放松功能对学生非常重要，  我看完这句话满心期待的是你帮我解释一下为什么体育的放松功能对学重要，结果你后面的这个because是解释下一句的，解释ports  are a great way的。把这句话去掉because students need some correct ways to relax  them,and sports are a great way, they have no need to cost  anything and make their body strong. Social activities also influence  students a lot. They can tell students what is their value and their  location. That can decide most of students choicewhich about  whatthey want to do in the future,  because they know ways to do work.For,example,Some  people around me did not choose jobs similar to their major; they chose their  jobs by followingtheir mind andforsome  economic reasonssince  they have clear goals to pursue. All of them depend on social  activitieswhichtell them what they wantand连词连接两个从句 what they do not want.

　　The whole paragraphs are  why I think that at university, sports and social activities are as important  as classes and should receive equal financial support, and students need to  try their best to do them.

　　[A1]Adapt后面要有介词 to

　　[A2]Pay attention to; 并且magnify是动词，不能用来修饰attention

　　[b3]

　　附批改原图：

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