托福作文批改22分：论点有重复的嫌疑，可以再充分点

　　一般托福写作评分从以下几个维度进行：是否切题、字数符合要求、论点和逻辑扩展（分论点）、语法（词汇、句式、连贯）、论述新颖。今天课窝网继续分享范文，大家可以以话题自行参考。

　　作文题目：

　　Do you agree or disagree  with the following statement?

　　One of the best ways that  parents can help their teenage children prepare for adult life is to  encourage them to take a part-time job.

　　Use specific reasons and  examples to support your answer.

　　作文内容：

　　Taking apart-time[b1]is the first social  activity that most peopleusually[b2] partake. From an early  age, teenagers are encouraged to take part in the part-time jobs, doing  little tasks inthe[b3] small shops or  restaurants that help them to get ready for the coming adult life. I convince  that this is an important feature of society, andshould be continued[b4].

　　Firstly[b5],Itit  is veryimportant[b6] for teenagers to learn  how arduous it is to earnthe[b7]  money. During the process of  taking part-time jobs, teenagers will realizethat [b8]how  hard it is to be promoted and to commute between the company and home. Through these tough experiences, the teenagers will realize the  efforts their parents paid to support the family,and thus[b9]become more obedient.

　　（红色字体标注部分表述不清楚:或者直接去掉 it is to be promoted and，这样在句子表述方面是清晰的.此外，本段最大的问题点是在分论点上面，虽然money在上下文的论述不一样，但是本段和下段的分论点中都体现了money，这样在论点的表述上有重复的嫌疑，或者本段的分论点可以从social experiences 上面着手）

　　In addition, taking  part-time jobs is also a good opportunity to earn teenagers themselves pocket money. I used to help the neighbors to  mow their lawnlawnsduring the  summer vacation. In the end of the holiday, I bought my mum a scarf and  myself a sneaker with the money I earned. That really felt good because the  money I spent was earned by myself. Teenagers can not earn a lot from the  part-time job, but they will gain more sense of achievementcompare to  asking[b10]the pocket money from their parents.

　　Admittedly,[b11]some people may be worry about that the teenagers spend too much  time on part-time jobsand thus[b12]disturb them from studying. It is true that the main  responsibility for students is still study,[b13]however[b14] on the premise of making a proper allotment of time,taking  part-time jobs do more good than harm[b15]. Learningthe [b16]theories from books is important,but[b17] learning experiences from practice is also an essential class for  teenagers and should not be ignored.

　　Overall, I believe that  encourage teenagers to take part in the part-time jobs is a good thing and  teenagers will certainly learn a lotof things[b18] from itthat not mentioned[w19] in the books. But what parents should pay attention to is that a  wise time management is essential for the teenagers or they will put the cart  before the horse.

　　[b1]兼职是part-time job

　　[b2]可以换成是are liable to表示有……倾向，属于高级词汇的应用。

　　[b3]删除the，这里不是特指，应该是泛指在商店及餐馆里

　　[b4]句子意思表述不太合理及过于中式翻译可以参考:and teenagers are supposed to take part in them.

　　[b5]句子框架应该更明显一点：参考加上Firstly

　　[b6]可以换一些高级词汇如:significant、crucial、vital等。

　　[b7]去掉the 这里是泛指

　　[b8]:可以删除，that在这里不充当成分可以直接删除。

　　[b9]用一个非限制性定语从句来表示会更好，参考答案：which also can make them

　　[b10]一个句子中有一个谓语动词，but后面的一个句子中的谓语动词是gain，所以不能和compare同时用，应该用非谓语动词的形式comparing，此外可以用一个定语从句：comparing with who ask

　　[b11]前后文意思是表示转折的，上文是说兼职的好处，本段体体现的是兼职给人们带来的顾虑也就是兼职在一定程度上给人们带来的劣势，所以应该体现出来，However, 此外，毫无疑问可以这样表达it is no doubt that

　　[b12]逻辑主语不正确，该句的主语是teenagers,而表达意思应该是兼职会影响他们的学习，所以可以换成定语从句修饰前面的part-time joss：which,这样disturb的主句就是part-time jobs了。

　　[b13]改成句号。句号前面一个完整的句子，后面一个完整的句子，中间可以用句号隔开，和后面的taking part-time jobs划分为一句话。否则就是两个句子之间没有连词的表达方式。

　　[b14]However，句首应该大写。

　　[b15]表达太中式:students can benefit a lot from taking part in part-time jobs.

　　[b16]去掉the，这里是泛指

　　[b17]表达不是转折关系，所以不能用but：besides表示除此之外

　　[b18]可以删掉，翻译为学到很多learn a lot即可。

　　[w19]这里应该是书中提到一些知识，或者一些知识被提到，该句表述应该是知识被提到，所以参考答案which are not mentioned

　　针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：

　　第一个分论点段（第二段）论点不是很好，和下面的一段在论点方面会有重复的嫌疑，因为在分论点的首句中都有出现了一个实意名词money。

　　给出解决方案：

　　第一个分论点段（第二段）论点可以从社会经验入手，通过参加一些兼职，可以提早的积累一些社会经验，与人交流、处理应对突发情况等问题的能力等等，以此能更好的为我们后期踏入社会奠定基础。这只是一个主线，可以对此进行展开论述即可。

　　附批改原图：

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