托福作文批改23分：句子间连接不够紧密

　　托福写作能拿到24分已经是令人羡慕了！而想要取得托福写作高分，前期的词汇及素材的综合积累万万少不得。今天课窝网就继续分享关于托福写作批改范文，大家也要自行检测哦。

　　作文题目:

　　Q：Agree or disagree?  Despite the fact that many countries say they care about environmental  problems, the environmental situation will not improve significantly in the  future.

　　积累：环境：environment=nature

　　作文内容：

　　Environmental adversity, encountered and  confronted by massive countries all over the world, has been increasingly  emphasized and eventrigger[b1] a heated discussion  over whether friendly and harmonious environmentare[b2]going to be upcoming.  Bettering the severe environmental issue, in numerous people’s opinions, is  inaccessible to a large extent. Contrary to their ideas is my perspective  that improved environment is available due to continuous advertisement and  protecting action in existing pollution.

　　What should be prioritized  is that common advertisement in education institution and communities exert  favorable impact on environmental improvement. To begin with,committed[b3]to publicize and  advertise the benefits ofa[b4] environmental-friendly  living situation, residents endeavor to strive for better environment.  Specifically,via voicing their concerns andestablish[b5]partnership with local  authorities and environmental agencies, community members capture  mediaattention and maintain a strong presence in community,  contributing to raising awareness of environmental protection. Moreover,it is  engaging students in environment-related activities that makes them part of environment Conservationists.[b6]In details, mentors and  instructors motivate youngsters to work with environmentalists,clean[b7]contaminated areas, and  cope with other environmental issues, which undoubtedlyleads[b8] to a better living  environment. Among excessive districts in Beijing is Haidian District, in  which dwellers delicate to preserve[b9] nature. Individuals in  local communities commute to remote offices for noises and polluted ground  problems, and elementary school encourage[b10] little kids to visit environment museums andbecome[b11]volunteers in conservation action. Consequently,living circumstance there[b12]delights and pleases the public for an extended period of time.[b13]

　　What should be equally  discussingis[b14]real-life action towards assorted pollution. Initially, never  should we ignore the fact that methods of transportationhas [b15]been converted to convenient and environmental-friendly ways, such  as carpooling taking mass transit and abandoning addiction to vehicles, for  the sake of reducing emission from traffic. In addition, it is prevailing  organic foods that distract people from consuming remains of chemicals on  plants. The more frequently people are inclined to head to organic food  markets, the less food pollution will be a pragmatic and practical objective  for the whole society. Take Uber and organic food in Carrefour as the example.  With carpooling service accommodated by Uber, carbon dioxide released has  been reduced. Wholesome and healthy organic food from Carrefourgain[b16] popularity among families, owing to its sufficient vitamin and  other nutrients.

　　Advocating environment  protection among individuals, as exemplified in examples of Haidian  District, is beneficial for environment. Current protectiveaction[b17], as illustrated in the instances of air pollution and food  pollution, affect normal life andbe[b18]favored by an increasing number of inhabitants. To put in a  nutshell, it is not exaggerated toacclaim[b19] that humans could expect the advent of boosted environment quality[b20].

　　[b1]应该为triggers

　　[b2]is

　　[b3]和后面的主语是属于一种主动的关系，所以应该是非谓语的ing形式做主语，应该为committing to

　　[b4]an

　　[b5]和前面的voicing 是并列的关系，应该为establishing。stablishingo.关系，所以应该是飞鱼为结

　　[b6]意思表达方面有问题.It will encourage students to participate in environment-related activities that make them become a part of environmental conservationists.

　　[b7]如果clean前面加逗号的话，逗号后面的 clean 和cope应该是表示motivate伴随的状态，应改为cleaning和coping；另外一种是和motivate表示并列关系的话，就把逗号去掉。

　　[b8]如果批注7不加逗号的话，并列的谓语动词有三个，motivate，clean和cope，所以这里应该是lead，如果clean和cope是表示伴随状语的话，应该用leads.

　　[b9]致力于做某事应改为dedicate to preserving

　　[b10]三单形式，应改为encourages

　　[b11]同上，应改为becomes.

　　[b12]Living such a circumstance

　　[b13]整句话和前面的因果关系不明显，每个分论点的最后一句话往往起着画龙点睛的作用，句子意思应达到总结的效果。

　　[b14]缺少一个冠词，is a

　　[b15]主语是methods,所以谓语动词应该是have

　　[b16]主语是food，改为gains

　　[b17]复数形式，有两种以上的行为：actions,而且后面的谓语动词用的是affect.

　　[b18]和前面的affect是并列关系，应改为are

　　[b19]这里是表示认为的意思，而acclaim是称赞表扬的意思，可以用claim、 contend、proclaim、suggest、insist 、agree等。

　　[b20]形容词修饰：environmental quality[b20]

　　附批改原图：

　　以上就是小编为大家介绍的关于托福写作批改范文。更多托福词汇量要求、托福培训班选择等问题，可以咨询我们。