雅思作文批改5分：中式思维比较严重，语法错误较多

　　今天课窝网分享一篇5分雅思作文批改，本篇分析详尽，有很多5分小伙伴的通病，看看这篇批改思路，希望大家有所感悟哈。

　　作文内容：

　　It is shown in the charts thataverage energy used by Australian household and greenhouse gas released result from it[b1].

　　The majority energy consumption source is heating which represent 72% of total usage including heating (42%) and water heating (30%)[b2]. Apart from other appliances occupy 15% consumption, refrigeration, lighting and cooling use4% and 2%[b3]energy respectively which are insignificant compared to that of heating items.

　　The situation in greenhouse gas emissionsshows same pattern with little difference[b4] .WhatWater heating section releases the biggest percentage of gas,iswater heating sectionat 32% while the heating which is 42% in usage only accounts for 15%.[b5]The gas put out by refrigeration and lighting make up 14% and4%8% exactly doubling their data in energy consumption.Cooling remains the least one, meanwhilewith 28%waste gas produced by other applications[b6]consists of 28%.

　　In conclusion, heating is main source of energy consumption leading it releases the largest percentage of greenhouse gas whereas non-heat applications constitute minor part in two sectors.[b7]

　　[b1]这句话表达有问题，不符合语法要求：改为how energy is used in an average Australian household and the greenhouse gas emissions that result from these energy uses.

　　[b2]heating指的是“供暖”，water heating指的是“水暖”，在这里应该是属于两种不同的能源消耗，不能都归于heating。这句话可以改为：The largest energy consumption source is heating, occupying 42%, followed by water heating, which accounts for 30% of the total energy usage.

　　[b3]要对应前面的内容，应是三种比例，7%, 4% and 2%[b3]

　　[b4]这里是中式表达，表达不是很清楚 from the energy use mentioned above differs a lot.

　　[b5]这里加个逻辑连接词，In contrast，或者By comparison

　　[b6]这句话表达的意思不清楚

　　[b7]这里总结不到位，太过笼统

　　各项细评：

　　分析思路：

　　这两个饼状图显示了能源在澳大利亚家用和温室气体排放的信息。

　　The two pie charts illustrate statistical information respectively regarding how energy is used in an average Australian household and the greenhouse gas emissions that result from these energy uses.

　　我们先来谈谈澳大利亚的能源使用情况。heating占据了整体的能源消耗的最大比例，42%。而the figure for water heating也占据了一个大的比例，仅比heating低那么一点，30%。相比之下，refrigeration，lighting，cooling只占了比较小的一部分比重，分别占据7%， 4%和只有2%。之后，剩下的15%的能源消耗是用在其他家电上的。

　　First let us talk about the energy consumption of household facilities in Australia. Heating possesses the largest proportion of total energy usage in family unit, accounting for 42%, followed by the figure for water heating which also occupies a large percentage with 30%. In contrast, the data for refrigeration，lighting，cooling are much less significant, 7%, 4% and only 2% respectively. Finally, the remaining 15% of the consumption is used on other appliances.

　　再看看以上提到的这些家电的温室气体排放情况，与上图存在很大不同。首先，能耗最大的heating在温室气体排放方面略有逊色，以15%的比重排在第三。而最多的温室气体排放来自于water heating，32%。 相比之下，refrigeration，lighting，cooling的温室气体排放量几乎都是它们的能源使用量的两倍。其他家电所产生的CO2，占据了剩下的28%。

　　As for the situation of greenhouse gas emissions from the appliances mentioned above, it largely differs from the last pie. First, heating, which consumes the greatest amount of energy, shows a smaller share in greenhouse gas emission, listed in the third place with a proportion of 15%, while the biggest share of emissions is from water heating (32%). By comparison, proportions of greenhouse gas emissions in refrigeration, lighting and cooling almost double their figures for energy use. CO2 derived from other appliances consist of the remaining 28%.

　　根据这两个饼状图，heating是最为环保的家电，而water heating不仅能耗大，CO2的排放量也相当大。refrigeration和lighting虽然能耗比较小，但是温室气体的排放量也比较大。

　　Overall, it is noticeable that heating is the most environmentally friendly appliance while water hearing not only consumes more energy sources but also give out the most carbon dioxide. Meanwhile, although refrigeration and lighting consume less, they emit more as well.

　　TIPs：文章的语言的多样性取决于主语的多样性和灵活性，该篇所用主语的形式如下：

　　1. Heating——题目中所给的名词

　　2. the data for refrigeration，lighting，cooling——“数据”作主语

　　3. the remaining 15%——数字作主语

　　4. the biggest share/proportions of greenhouse gas emissions——比重词作主语

　　5. CO2——题目中greenhouse gas的同义改写作主语

　　6. they——代词作主语

　　附批改原图：

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