雅思作文批改5分：最大的问题是句式过于单一

2018-09-01 11:30 1714572次浏览

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　　之前课窝网关于雅思作文批改上，一直发的都是高分文章，有些基础稍微弱的小伙伴很难一下模仿到位，所以现在先从5分开始，多看看老师的思路，慢慢进阶，再看高分的文章比较合适。

　　作文题目：

　　In many cities, planners tend to arrange shops, schools, offices, and homes in specific areas and separate them from each other.

　　Do you think the advantages of this policy outweigh the disadvantages?

雅思作文批改5分：最大的问题是句式过于单一

　　作文内容：

　　Planners usually attempt to divide the city into different zones according to functions. I believe that this may help make optimal use of these facilities, though it may put great pressure on traffic systems.

　　This kind of area arrangement reduces the distances among those buildings with the same function, so people can communicate conveniently with others who have the same purpose.This helps them work effectively and boosts productivity in every industry.[b1] For example, if different companies are placed together, they can collaborate with each other easily and exchange messages frequently, so they can create more technological innovations.[b2] In contrast, these companies may hardly share some useful information if it is inconvenient, so[b3] they may lose some win-win opportunities.

　　Besides, in terms of living environments, people may benefit from this arrangement and live comfortably. In house or school areas, peoplemay have[b4] a quiet environment for them to relax or study, because those noisy places, such as shopping malls and business centres, are far away. This is beneficial to people’s wellbeing, and thus they can feel a sense of happiness or safety.

　　However, traffic congestion may occur frequently in rush hour, because people need to travel to and from the workplace or schools every weekday during almost the same period of time. This may lead to the increase in people’s commuting time, so they have to get up early and go back home lateor have less time to work. As a result, the productivity of cities may suffer.

　　Overall, arranging facilities with the same functions in particular areas is scientific and may help improve economic growth and people’s living standards, despite some disadvantages like more time consumed in commuting.

　　[b1]觉得这个论点不是很充足

　　[b2]现在科技这么发达，即使这些公司不是在一起，也能很好地合作和沟通

　　[b3]so用得过于频繁，可以用therefore，hence等等

　　[b4]这种句式也过于频繁和单一

　　针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：

　　文章最大的问题就是句式单一，在写作的时候可以使用一些复杂句，高分句式比如倒装句、强调句等。

　　【考试题目】

　　In some countries, small town-centre shops are going out of business because people tend to drive to large out-of-town stores. As a result, people without cars have limited access to out-of town stores, and it may result in an increase in the use of cars. Do you think the disadvantages of this change outweigh its advantages?

　　【题目翻译】

　　在一些国家，市中心的小型商店生意越来越冷清，因为人们更加倾向于开车去市郊的大型商店。因此，没有车的人很少去市郊的大型商店，这可能会导致汽车使用的增加。你认为这种变化的缺点大于它的优点吗？

　　【话题分类与题型】

　　本题为新题。属于政府决策类话题，“城市化”的分支。

　　【话题评价】

　　该话题引起了很多争议，很多考生在争论到底题目到底是围绕“商店”还是“汽车”来写，这里的this change到底指的是什么。由于没有非常真实可信的一手材料，确切的考题已经无从考证，但是从出题者的基本思路来看，该题目显然应该围绕城市化，商店的迁址来展开，汽车增加应当作为城市化的结果，而不应当把中心放在汽车对环境的影响上。

　　【类似真题】

　　1．Traffic and housing problems in major cities can be solved by moving large companies and factories with their employees to the countryside. To what extent do you agree or disagree? (040417)

　　2．In some countries, governments are encouraging industries and businesses to move out of large cities and into regional areas. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantages? (080809)

　　3．In many cities, planners tend to arrange shops, schools, offices, and homes in specific areas and separate them from each other. Do you think the advantages of this policy outweigh the disadvantages? (100828)

　　【结构与思路】

　　本文可以采用双边结构，即摆出这种现象的优缺点。但是如果考生能驳斥这种现象的缺点，也可以采用“单边支持”结构效果会更好。下面以四段式为例。

　　Introduction

　　01．交代背景：最近几十年，由于越来越多的农村人口向城市迁徙an increasing number of rural dwellers relocate to cities，城市扩张urban sprawl已经成为了很多国家，尤其是发展中国家的普遍现象。

　　02．引出主题：在城市化urbanisation的进程中，很多大型商场large scale shopping mall/ shopping centre涌现mushroom/ spring up在市郊地区suburban areas，因此很多人宁愿开车去那些大型购物中心commercial complex，因此城区商店的经营受到了影响。

　　03．交代观点：本文我将分析这种现象的好处和坏处。

　　Body 1：这种现象的好处

　　01．商家角度：由于郊区的土地成本更加低廉，因此商家的租金和其他运营成本将会大大降低。

　　02．个人角度：运营成本的降低将直接导致物价的降低，同时由于面积的扩大，消费者将会有更多的选择，因此从中大大受益。

　　03．社会角度：大型商业中心有助于郊区吸引更多的人口，形成卫星城satellite city，将有助于缓解市中心城市交通和住房压力。

　　Body 2：驳斥这种现象的坏处

　　01．交代反方观点：现在很多人很多居住在市中心的人选择开车去更大的商业中心购物，这导致了汽车的大量使用，从而导致城市交通拥堵。

　　02．摆出理由，进行驳斥：购物一般都是在休息日进行，而此时的城市道路并不繁忙，因此并不会加剧目前的交通拥堵现象。此外，目前大型商业中心往往会有公交线路和轨道交通站点，因此从市区出非必须选择私家车。

　　03．小结：这种担心concern是没理由和没必要的unfounded and unnecessary。

　　Conclusion

　　01．重新阐述观点：大型商场开在郊区会给商家、消费者、社会都会带来很多好处。

　　02．提出建议：政府应当大力发展公共交通public transport，一方面鼓励人们选择公共交通工具出行，一方面完善的公共交通也可以增加郊区的吸引力，从而使更多的人口向郊区搬迁。