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作文题目:
Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your statement and include examples from your own experience.
作文内容:
There is a debate over, whether developing a sense of competition in children outweigh encouraging them to co-operate, on the purpose ofmakingthem[b1]useful[b2] in the future. But in my opinion, for children’s prospect,[b3]developing a sense of competition and willingness to cooperate,[b4]are equally vital.
[b5]The competition among peers in society is turning fiercer and fiercer, requiring candidates togain an edge[b6] over their competitors.Thus[b7], candidates in lack of a sense of competition, may miss splendid[A8] opportunities because they do not have a strong desire to win,or even, not qualified.[b9]
So encouraging children to get themselves ready for competition, is amust[b10]if they need to be competitive[b11].
[b12]Meanwhile,if a child is always thinking about defeating others[b13] or designing aproject[b14] all on his own, he would never realize that,[b15]how wonderful it would be to achieve success in a groupconsisting of people[b16]thriving for a same goal although[b17]relatively unique. [b18]Brainstorming,[b19] idea exchanging and so forth willboost[b20] the potential of each group member, and afterwards reach a nearly-perfect outcome, which the product of individual effort can rarely match.
In conclusion, to have a sense of competition and cooperationis [b21]both of great significance to[b22] children’s career path and furthermore, lifelong development.Fulfilling themselves[b23] driven by the sense of communication to boast necessary and then special qualities, along with enjoying group work in a pleasant atmosphere, should be embedded in children’s education , which is to say ,neither of them should be unfairly ignoredor favored.[b24]
[b1]them指代什么?是children,还是竞争意识,还是合作意识?有点模糊。建议另起一句,并且指代清晰。
[b2]Considering their future development
[b3]去掉
[b4]可以把逗号去掉,为一句话
[b5]在文章开头应阐述本段的论点,在说明论据,所以这段开头应该加一个论点句
[b6]非常好的短语
[b7]Thus在这里的用法不正确,前句和后句不是因果关系
[b8]Splendid用在这里不是很合适,说的太过绝对,可以改成some opportunities
[b9]Or even, not qualified此段并没有阐述关于qualified的论据,所以建议不要写在段末
[b10]可以改成it is important或者it is necessary.Must 不常用做名词
[b11]建议用形式主语,头重脚轻
[b12]段首没有阐述论点
[b13]虚拟
[b14]Project对于孩子来说有些大,一般在大学课堂上的作业用project。可以改成plan
[b15]that,去掉。
[b16]建议改非限定定从,whose members
[b17]despite
[b18]建议另起一段写
[b19]Brainstorm可以删掉,和后面的idea exchanging联系不大
[b20]建议把Boost换成stimulate
[b21]are
[b22]for
[b23]Fulfill是形容物的,可以换成achieving themselves
[b24]意思模糊,可以删掉
针对问题最大的一点指出问题:
不足:用句式有些过于复杂,虽然复杂句式是提分点,但建议有些简单句没要写那么复杂,这样会让读者更清晰明了作者的观点。
优点:词汇量很好,尽力在用复杂句式,文章中有很多亮点词汇和短语搭配。
附批改原图:
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