雅思作文批改5.5分：有很多亮点词汇

　　一般雅思评分从以下几个维度进行：是否切题、字数符合要求、论点和逻辑扩展（分论点）、语法（词汇、句式、连贯）、论述新颖。今天课窝网继续分享雅思作文范文。

　　雅思作文题目：

　　Some people think that a  sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that  children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful  adults.

　　Discuss both these views  and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your statement and include  examples from your own experience.

　　雅思作文内容：

　　There is a debate over,  whether developing a sense of competition in children outweigh encouraging  them to co-operate, on the purpose ofmakingthem[A1]useful[b2] in the future. But in  my opinion, for children’s prospect,[b3]developing a sense of  competition and willingness to cooperate,[A4]are equally vital.

　　[A5]The competition among peers in society is turning  fiercer and fiercer, requiring candidates togain an edge[A6] over their competitors.Thus[A7], candidates in lack of a sense of competition, may  miss splendid[A8] opportunities because they do not have a strong desire  to win,or  even, not qualified.[A9]

　　So encouraging children to  get themselves ready for competition, is amust[A10]if they need to be  competitive[b11].

　　[A12]Meanwhile,if a child  is always thinking about defeating others[b13] or designing aproject[A14] all on his own, he would  never realize that,[A15]how wonderful it would be  to achieve success in a groupconsisting of people[b16]thriving for a same goal although[b17]relatively unique. [A18]Brainstorming,[A19] idea exchanging and so  forth willboost[A20] the potential of each  group member, and afterwards reach a nearly-perfect outcome, which the  product of individual effort can rarely match.

　　In conclusion, to have a  sense of competition and cooperationis [A21]both of great significance to[A22] children’s career path  and furthermore, lifelong development.Fulfilling themselves[A23] driven by the sense of  communication to boast necessary and then special qualities, along with  enjoying group work in a pleasant atmosphere, should be embedded in children’s  education , which is to say ,neither of them should be unfairly ignoredor favored.[A24]

　　[b1]them指代什么？是children，还是竞争意识，还是合作意识？有点模糊。建议另起一句，并且指代清晰。

　　[b2]Considering their future development

　　[b3]去掉

　　[b4]可以把逗号去掉，为一句话

　　[b5]在文章开头应阐述本段的论点，在说明论据，所以这段开头应该加一个论点句

　　[b6]非常好的短语

　　[b7]Thus在这里的用法不正确，前句和后句不是因果关系

　　[b8]Splendid用在这里不是很合适，说的太过绝对，可以改成some opportunities

　　[b9]Or even, not qualified此段并没有阐述关于qualified的论据，所以建议不要写在段末

　　[b10]可以改成it is important或者it is necessary.Must 不常用做名词

　　[b11]建议用形式主语，头重脚轻

　　[b12]段首没有阐述论点

　　[b13]虚拟

　　[b14]Project对于孩子来说有些大，一般在大学课堂上的作业用project。可以改成plan

　　[b15]that,去掉。

　　[b16]建议改非限定定从，whose members

　　[b17]despite

　　[b18]建议另起一段写

　　[b19]Brainstorm可以删掉，和后面的idea exchanging联系不大

　　[b20]建议把Boost换成stimulate

　　[b21]are

　　[b22]for

　　[b23]Fulfill是形容物的，可以换成achieving themselves

　　[b24]意思模糊，可以删掉

　　针对问题最大的一点指出问题：

　　不足：用句式有些过于复杂，虽然复杂句式是提分点，但建议有些简单句没要写那么复杂，这样会让读者更清晰明了作者的观点。

　　优点：词汇量很好，尽力在用复杂句式，文章中有很多亮点词汇和短语搭配。

　　附批改原图：

　　以上就是小编为大家带来的雅思作文批改范文。更多雅思口语技巧、雅思参考书推荐等问题，可以咨询我们。